he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
