I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
