One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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