She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
