The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
