nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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