Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He shit in the fireplace
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
