so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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