the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
whose ass print is on the piano?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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