when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
