I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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