I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
