I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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