and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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