It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
