Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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