My liver just broke up with me...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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