The maid of honor just puked.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
