i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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