I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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