just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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