My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
