i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
