You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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