I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Randomize
