I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
