That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
another moral hangover. fuck.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
