i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
