Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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