i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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