I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
