I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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