Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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