I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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