the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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