god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
