I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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