I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
