I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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