remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
