My entire life is one complicated drinking game
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I still have a little drunk in my system
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
