pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
