Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
