This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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