OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
