I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
