I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
