Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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