dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
