I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
