Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize