I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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