My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
