I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
This is the prime rib incident all over again
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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