this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
