I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
