I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
