the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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